How my eggplant turned out…

Warning: Offensive language (so you’ll be sure to read this).

I’ve been consciously watching my language lately. I swear way too much; I decided to change my ways. Then I made Eggplant Parmesan for the first time. What the Actual Fuck????

Late afternoon:
“I’m going to get started on the prep for this eggplant. It looks like there’s a bit to it. We can eat a little early tonight,” I inform Rick. “Sounds good!” he says.
I figured I’d read through all the steps first. Ah…so I should do this before that…makes sense. Step 6 can be done while 1 is percolating, meantime I can be putting stuff together for Step 7… I can skip 5, got the sauce…
Two and a half hours later:
“Did I say this was dinner??! I meant Wednesday. Dinner, Wednesday!!!!
I’m only on fucking Step 87! Who the hell makes this shit up anyway??! Fuck this and the horse it rode in on!!!!!
Geezzus, Angelo’s makes a perfectly wonderful Eggplant Parm and all you have to do is sit there and drink your wine while you wait. Speaking of which, top me off will ya?
Next time I’m in Angelo’s when the bill says $14.99 for the eggplant…??? I’m givin’ em 50. I’m never doing this again so I hope you don’t like it.”
I’ve got a salad from the garden, spaghetti, Italian bread, and a nice bottle of red.
Now I’m hot, sweaty, pissed off and no longer hungry when this shit finally comes out of the oven. We sit down to dine. I put the spaghetti on our plates and go to take some sauce from the eggplant dish… Hello? Where’s the fucking sauce? This shit’s as dry as a spinster’s pu..y!!!
Rick is assuring me a little sauce and it will all be perfect. He gets up to heat some sauce. “Never mind!” I say, “Forget it”!!! 
He sits.
We try to gag down some dry spaghetti but this is just no good.
This time I don’t object when he gets up to “quickly heat up some sauce”.
While he assures me it’s really delicious, just needed a little sauce, he’s really enjoying it… I contemplate the ways in which I will kill my friend for not warning Do Not Attempt This at Home like they do on all those speeding driver commercials.
Afterword:
I reheated some today with sauce. It was perfectly delightful. Very tasty.
Maybe I’ll make this again some day. I would swear I don’t know why it seemed so bad… but don’t swear.

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